Choosing to Live After 12 Years

We all have a tendency to hide our true feelings at some time or another. We say we are fine when asked how we are doing, when really we are miserable. Smile when inside we are crying. Say things are great when things are so horribly wrong. Sometimes its easier to believe things are good then look at the fact that things are not, or even admit we are struggling. I personally smiled through my breast cancer for everyone else and then allowed bitterness to take root for ten years for all that I had gone through.

It has been in the last two years that I can say that I have really come to a place of true inner inspection. If I had been honest all those years ago I may have been able to reach out so much sooner to other young women in need. I wouldn't have had to waste so many years hating the fact that I was a survivor, denying that breast cancer had changed me. Truth is, it was a blessing in disguise and God knew it all along. I just took so long to get to where I could see that.

I was mad because I was so young when it had came on. I was ticked because no one could understand what it was like to be a young woman who had no spousal support, insurance, or all the choices to make for treatment. I had one choice-take my breast off and survive. I actually had to remove both because the risk was so high and I would look awful with one and reconstruction was not an option for someone with no insurance. I was told I had to do one more thing, chemotherapy in the hopes of living longer. There was no drugs to counter the side effects, so with each passing week I grew weaker and my body hurt more. There was no donation of wigs or prosthesis. I was bald and wearing clothes where I looked weird I was the same size except my large breast were gone. I was angry, but I didn't let it show. I smiled said I was happy the cancer was treatable and I was at least being able to have treatment.

Inside I was angry. I felt that no one really cared. I was a statistic at that time. To be 24 and have stage 3 breast cancer was still unusual. Yet I had no children, so the state of Iowa said I was not important enough to give medical coverage to. My life was at the hands of the mercy of the hospital. The hospital would give no samples to counter the effects of chemo, they did only what was needed to save my life. I was grateful, but it was a difficult road for those six months.

For ten years I couldn't bear to hear of other women talking of how much support they had. It hurt because I couldn't understand why I was so much less important. I hated to hear how they were able to get reconstruction, or take different medicine. I did start attending a monthly support group meeting, but that was hard. I wanted to offer support, yet in the end, the bitterness was still there.

Slowly however, things started to shift. I realized that I wouldn't want anyone to go through the pain I did. I was glad the other women had that support, that medicine, the insurance, and the reassurance I never did. I started to see that there was no need to hate the word Survivor, because that is what I was. I had survived, I was still surviving. An I did the best I could during that time, I didn't want to be a burden to anyone so it wasn't lying, it was trying to keep anyone from worrying. Most importantly I started to see that although the women in my support group were much older than I was, the fact that they were survivors and they cared meant more then anything. They said they didn't know the challenges I did, but they encouraged me to speak out and write for others like myself, to reach out and become a voice for others in a situation like mine.

I am learning to now forgive myself for wasting so much time and the bad choices I made. I made a choice to live almost 12 years ago, but I spent many years living in bitterness. I wasted years in anger and resentment that could have been used for helping others instead of feeling sorry for myself. I want others to know it is possible to come out of a dark time. Stage 3 breast cancer was life altering for me. I had to struggle through so much, but I am now finding so much joy and happiness in the blessings that have come from saying I am a Survivor and if I can overcome so can anyone else!